premonitions, the epilogue

So, you didn’t beat the city
So you came back to the town where you learned how to die but you forgot to spit all the blood out of your mouth before you got here
So, you’re still choking on iron
Mouthfuls of apologies,
Mutterings of moments you can never stand to get through and then forget as soon as they’re over
You always remembered all the wrong things
So, you still make the same mistakes you used to
How many times will you roll the same rock up that hill?
How many stones will you collect? How many hills?
How many dogs have you kissed?
On the bright side, you’re learning to wash your mouth out with salt
On the bright side, the beach will still hold you on the nights when you can’t hold yourself
The highway will still do it when the sand won’t
And when you feel the itch under your skin when the billboards start calling,
It will still hold your hand and guide you without destination
Three hundred and fifty two miles and seven months ago,
You stopped losing yourself under neon lights covered in sugar,
Said you’d be able to move again when you were under a different sky
But Florida holds ghosts within its borders like a church holds sinners
Even in forgiveness you won’t outrun your past
But you already knew that
Silly to think that time would change things
So, you lick the palm of a burning hand and you try to heal wounds that will never belong to you
So, he doesn’t love you
Every night you crawl into a body that is too big for you-
Too much space leftover
So, all that emptiness felt like something for so long
So, he won’t notice, anyways
So there might be more blood in the air than there used to be
There’s that damn taste again, like you’re rotting from the inside
You could have sworn you washed your mouth out when you woke
You could have sworn you woke
So, you’re still so bad at lying- one more smell this city recognizes on you
Your face still breaks when you pretend not to care
Your voice still catches, loose thread on a necklace, yanks and snaps when you panic
So, you panic even faster now
On the bright side,
You’re learning that you should have planned for growing up,
Now you get to put together a future in your head while you drink your coffee and while you brush your hair,
And while you stare at your reflection in the mirror
And imagine her dying in a pool in which you’ve never been able to float
So, you’re still learning that you can’t sink in salt water
So, you’re still practicing holding your breath
There’s never enough time in your lungs to sift through the murk
You swim in circles for too long to ever make it to the end-
It always finds you first
But it’s not your fault, this is what your grandmother taught you,
Always stay until it’s over
This is what your mother taught you,
Never sit peaceful while you wait
So you came back to the city, claws out, but you got lost in the fist fight
So, you never healed after the first time
So, you have no choice now but to stay
You pretend you’re not just another body to call on
You pretend it isn’t all you’ll ever be
This is what your mother didn’t teach you,
It’s better to be alone than to be a good wife
But the night hides your shame so well
Moonlight makes your red hot look like pink fluster
You can pretend as long as the lights are off
So, you’re still afraid of the dark
So, the stars shine brighter up here but you never learned the constellations
So, you’re running out of stories to tell
How many times can you tell the same ones before your audience gets bored?
How many times will your living room become center stage for the same scenes before the walls echo them back?
These sidewalks know your humiliation better than anyone
These sidewalks have held the footsteps of your biggest regrets
All they’ve ever done is follow you
So, the city has you by the throat, now
So, you want to let it swallow you
At least then you can be turned martyr instead of ghost